Putin annexes Pandora

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¬†This breaking news was reported by Brad Hill and Jennifer Lane, who annexed each other’s notes.

APRIL 1, Moscow: In a daring extension of Russia’s growing imperialism, Vladimir Putin today annexed Pandora Radio. A referendum had been scheduled for later this week, which would have provided Pandora citizens the opportunity to vote on the annexation. A spokesperson in Moscow told the United Nations that Russia “skipped” the Pandora vote — presumably one of the six skips per hour allowed by the Internet radio giant.

The takeover of Pandora adds turmoil to international tensions which have escalated in recent weeks. Spotify is reportedly amassing troops along its borders, hoping to deter an invasion and a potential domino effect in music services.

Analysts note that Pandora is not, strictly speaking, a nation at all, despite its vast reach and immense population. “Details,” Putin retorted, seemingly annoyed at having to remove his headphones to answer a question.

Analysts believe that acquiring Pandora’s population of 250-million registered users motivated Putin’s action. But a NATO spokesperson who chose to remain anonymous told RAIN that the annexation is more of a land grab. “Eight percent of total radio listenership in the U.S. is the kind of geographic reach and strategic positioning that any ex-KGB, neo-Cold War ruler would want in his portfolio of nations.”

Despite Pandora’s obvious attraction as a subservient nation in a potentially rebuilding Soviet empire, some political analysts¬†expressed surprise at Putin’s choice, given the Russian president’s well-known lean-in, on-demand style of governing. “Spotify, Rdio, Rhapsody — they would be better choices,” a high-placed source told RAIN. “I get it that Putin has Genome envy. But this is a man who likes to hunt down individual songs and coerce them onto customized playlists. How much control can Putin actually wield in Pandora?”

That theory seems borne out by Putin’s Spotify playlist, discovered by RAIN CEO Jennifer Lane.

Brad Hill


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